RELATIVE FEAR

 

Sweat rolled down my forehead, as my palm became increasingly warm.  The arena was the night sky, and I was the shining star that everyone followed.  I felt the piercing stares of the audience, despite not being able to really see them.  After the sounds of their hands came to a mute, the arena fell serene for a moment.  Time had stopped for me.  It felt nice.  However, I felt the shot of pain in my right hand that made my heart beat faster than anything I could play on the piano.  2Ah yes …” I said in my own little world, the piano behind me, I should probably be sat at it right now.  As I lowered myself onto the piano stool, my mind was distracted.  That pain in my right hand.  The reason I have not been up on this stage for 5 years.  To make matters worse, as I took one last look into the audience there he was.  The man called my step-brother. I gulped at the sight of him and his eyes burnt a hole through my beating heart.  There was no way I could perform now.

 

It all started with one very jealous, stuck up of a step-brother started to form a distaste in his younger step-brother.  He was never the gifted one, he was the one with the brain, the one destined to become the boss of a new-found company.  Whereas I, I dreamed of more than that.  I wanted to be on the stage.  To get there, I trained before I was even able to call my step-brother by his name.  I was determined to become the greatest pianist of this time.  So I did, well not quite there, but in my step-father’s eyes, I was.

As the awards started to build up on the shelf, whilst the books filled in his,  I started sensing his jealousy.  At the dinner table he would scoff at my words or straight up ignore me.  The more awards there were the more intransigent he became towards me.  There was no ‘bro-time’ playing games or kicking a ball.  We had become the protagonist and antagonist of our story.  I could endure it til’ one evening.  We went to the same school, however I always stayed back for piano practice.  Then like any other day, I expected the quiet walk home.  Not today. There was something different with my step brother today, something eerie.  Maybe it had something to do with the giants approaching me right now.  My head dropped to the floor, avoiding eye contact that could insinuate any physical contact of abuse.  Unfortunately for me, I was their target.

 I was sent flying back with one hard jolt by one of the unfamiliar faces.  My head pounded, as did my heart and the scent of iron arose.  Shouting at them to stop, I saw no sign of backing down.  Instead of just completely battering me to nothing, instead they laid out my arms and pinned one down.  The unfamiliar face that stayed behind the rest, the one that was silent and spoke no words, became my worst nightmare.  From behind his back, out came a bat that to my concern had many scuffs and dents already.  Before I could even ask what he intending doing with it, I heard the crack of the bones within my hand as I screamed out in pain.  Sniggering as they left, I became numb to the pain but faint from the sight of my own blood that poured from it.  The hours between the unknown faces walking away to now me sat in the hospital was agonizingly long.

As I stared out of the hospital window, my mind was a chant of thoughts, none of them being about the pain of my broken hand, but the pain of not being able to play the piano for a long time.  My training would be taken back steps and I would have to start over again.  Who could do this? Why would they do this?  I asked myself over and over again.  I was interrupted by a knock on the door and my stomach felt sick at the sight of him.  In this moment I didn’t know why, but when I saw my step-brother’s face it was like my subconscious knew before me.  It was him.  I was sure of it.  The rage filling inside of me, spilled out and I let my step-brother feel every inch of my anger towards him.  As he dropped to his knees and begged me not to mention to his dad, he let out all his feelings.  Feelings that helped me see a glimpse of someone, someone who got taken over by the disease that is jealousy.  As he reasoned himself, explained how he came about it, I learned more about my brother than ever before.  Despite the pain I still felt in my heart,  I forgave him.

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